Baby 101

One hundred and one days ago,

I gave birth. 

One hundred days ago,

I became a baby expert, child rearing guru and, of course, center of the universe.

Don't get me wrong, I would never use 'baby' as all encompassing, rather, 'baby' in all senses of the word is positively, absolutely, undeniably and reliably singular. Meaning, I am really only an expert in one thing: MY BABY. I know it may seem, at times, that there are similarities between our experiences and offspring. However, I assure you they are very different and neither you, dear reader, nor I can definitively state what will work for your baby and visa versa. That being said, here are a few things I've learned in the last 3 months.

1. Leaving the hospital is a whirlwind
• After living at the hospital for 6 days (3 in labor), don't forget the orchid your mother bought you OR your baby for that matter
2. Cesareans sections are major surgery
• It is most certainly NOT an easy way to deliver
• If you are in debilitating pain a week or weeks after, it is absolutely NOT normal
• Weeping from your incision is even less normal
3. Antibiotics will absolutely affect the baby
• While trying to recover from the infection, she will fart herself awake and be inconsolable
• Give her chamomile tea for the gas, she will become more tea than baby
4. Breastfeeding is hard
• It takes two to breastfeed and there is a learning curve
• Your milk won't come in until after you leave the hospital
• You absolutely do not need to supplement with formula, she lives on your boobs and isn't starving
5. Sleep when baby sleeps
• Unless you are a stay-at-home mom working full time
• In that case, don't sleep
• Or you could try sleeping while she eats 
6. Don't be over zealous
• You'll be lucky if you can get though the Starbucks drive thru before she starts screaming her head off 
7. Always plan for a poop-tastrophe
• Especially if you have to be somewhere
• It's going to happen
• Bring wipes, diapers, extra clothes and most of all a zip-lock bag
• She will laugh at you when you attempt to change her without getting poop all over yourself in the back of your car while she wiggles at the same time